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Toxic ParentWhat
is a Toxic
Parent?
This means both parents who abuse their children verbally, physically and/or sexually, as well as parents who are inadequate or ignore their children's emotional needs. Sometimes these patterns are so established they continue into adulthood, and often are either not recognised or addressed. There are some toxic parents whose consistently negative patterns of parenting leave a legacy of guilt and shame within their children, and worse still there are parents whose outright cruelty would be considered illegal if exhibited toward animals, let alone their own children. Where do parents like this learn these despicable patterns of behaviour from? Yes, you are quite right! Often from their own parents who in turn, learned it from theirs. However, few people make a connection between their parents and their own emotional problems. Often, these emotional difficulties only become apparent to them as they become parents themselves. Toxic Parenting As parents we all make mistakes. Parenting is a constantly steep learning curve, requiring enormous amounts of patience and determination through some very traumatic times. Indeed, parents often acknowledge raising a family as the most stressful occupation ever.  Sometimes the most difficult part about parenting is recognising that our questionable behaviour is due to the negative influences of our parents on us, especially if we are conditioned never to criticise or see faults in our parents. Sometimes it's not what they did do, but what they didn't do that has been harmful for us. It can be very disturbing to finally see our parents with 'feet of clay', and to admit that they have hurt us. Unfortunately, children of toxic parents learn to blame themselves for their parents appalling lack, and tend to grow into adults who are burdened with very low self esteem and poor self image. However, I have also observed at first hand, some very plucky parents who have determined to overcome the extremes of their own childhood and have become outstanding role models for their own children. In particular I remember one young mother who I admired tremendously as she explained that each parenting decision she made, required her to take the opposite position from the one she was raised by. Her children are wonderful and the greatest credit to her recognition of her own painful childhood, which helped her make the decision not to repeat her parent's toxic style. Good questions to ask ourselves as we think about toxic parenting are:
You, as an adult and a parent, are not responsible for the negative ways your parents shaped your childhood. However, you are responsible for your own behaviour today. This means that it's your responsibility to do what ever is needed to become the parent your child deserves. I recommend reading these excellent books on the subject as a great starting point. Toxic Parents - by Dr. Susan
Forward
Healing
the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
More articles in this series: Toxic Parenting - Inconsistent Parents - Sometimes our parents were very consistent about being inconsistent in their toxic parenting of us. This has a big hangover effect on us as we grow up and as we parent our own children. Toxic Parents - the inner critical voice - One of the powerful byproducts of having toxic parents is that we are left with low self esteem and a strong inner critical voice that speaks continuously to us of our guilt, our shame and our wrongs. It attacks us and criticizes us, blames us and compares us, shames us and tells us we're stupid, fat, selfish, ugly, and convinces us that it even knows what everyone else thinks! Addressing
the issues of alcoholic parents, drug addicted parents, sexually
abusive parents, or those that physically abuse, is beyond the scope of
this article.
I feel so saddened if this was your childhood legacy and I believe you need to seek professional help for overcoming this.
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