This is an important skill for all children to learn.

If children always depend on others, especially their parents or siblings, to make choices for them, they do not learn how to control themselves.

It follows therefore, that they will not take responsibility for the choices they make, as they tend to see those choices as others' choices, and not their own as they have no input or control over them.

Gaining Self Control-
How Do We Teach This?

Children learn about gaining self control from individuals who have gained self control for themselves.

A child's first teachers are his parents - it is their self control which is modeled and absorbed, and becomes the pattern and example to be emulated.

As you exhibit self control, your child is being taught how to experience control over his own feelings, choices and actions.

Toddlers tend to discover about self control through being asked to wait while adults are talking. Learning about not interrupting adult's conversations is often one of their first learnings in gaing self control.

They also become aware of having to take turns, and of needing to wait for what they want, instead of having it all right away.

It's important to be age appropriate in our expectations for their early learning, however even very small children begin to learn that instant gratification is not always possible. Early learning of this, taught with love and care, will stand them in good stead.

Gaining Self Control -
Enabling Young Children to Learn About Self Control

Teach your child to take a break or some timeout when they feel angry or frustrated as a means to gaining self control.

* Teach your child how to wait during conversations by showing them how to listen while others are talking.

Show them HOW to do this by demonstrating it yourself and using appropriate language to explain what you expect from them.

For example, Please wait until I finish the next sentence and then it's your turn to talk.


Then make sure you listen while your child is talking.


Too often adults disregard children's conversation without realising what they are mirroring to the child by their disregard.


Children also need to learn the appropriate skills associated with the feelings of wanting something that they cannot have.

These skills will enable gaining self control and tolerance towards others.

Show your child that he has other choices around wanting something right now. Explain that he could:

* Ask again later.

* Find something else to do instead.

* Wait until it's his turn.

Do talk about what that feels like and how difficult it is to be patient.

Praise your child for showing his gaining self control - even if he just barely manages it! It's a tough call for little ones - and a steep but valuable learning curve.

Gaing Self Control -
Identifying Feelings

In order for children to gain self control when they are experiencing strong feelings in a situation, they need to know how to identify those feelings.

It is never too early to talk to children about feelings or to help them see the link between their feelings and their behaviour. Linking feelings and behaviour together demonstrates clearly how feelings affect the choices we make, and it can also help children in gaining self-control.

Teach your children HOW:

1. To THINK about what happened.

2. To THINK of how they FEEL their feelings in their body.

3. To RECOGNIZE the feeling.

4. To SPEAK it out. I feel sad, mad, angry, happy, pleased, scared........

Gaining Self Control -
Help Your Children Verbalise

Explain to your child that you like to talk about feelings and how our feelings can send us messages. These messages tell us how we feel about what is happening.

For example:
If something is funny you will feel happy and laugh -
If something is sad you might feel upset and cry.

Ask your child to talk about some examples of his own feelings - for example,
Tell me about when you felt excited, and a time that you felt sad. What makes you feel upset?
Ask them to tell you how they know.

In today's world where instant gratification appears to be the expectation, your child will be much better equipped in social situations if you have given opportunities to learn how to name, manage and control his feelings.

Gaining and having control of himself creates greater self esteem, and a stronger self image.

Quotes on Self Control

• Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power -
  a Roman philosopher
  


• Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.
  ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967
  
• The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center. So does a person.
  ~Norman Vincent Peale
• It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.
  ~Buddha

Read more about:

Raising Confident Children

Boosting self esteem.

Self Esteem Affirmations