Child Discipline. Often parents find themselves at logger heads with each other over their child discipline
problems and their techniques or strategies for coping with them.
Parents argue about the rights and wrongs of child discipline - one
parent just wants to spank, the other believes family discussions are
One parent chooses to deny their children a beloved toy,
the other thinks that's molly coddling and believes more severe
steps are necessary to prevent chaos in their household.
The children are often very aware of their parents dilemma and suffer the consequences of their inconsistent behaviour.
When the parents themselves are at odds over the way discipline is
handled, it doesn't take the children two minutes to have a very acute
handle on the problem.
Children can, and do, take part in
pitting their parents against each other, especially if they feel they
can escape punishment for their unacceptable behaviour, while their parents
fight it out in the background.
This scenario is not as uncommon as you would think!
I am often asked about how
to deal with anger management - children who
have anger problems that are disrupting the household.
Often anger in parents is displaced
onto their children. It is easier to 'blow your top' at your child's behaviour then it is to acknowledge and
sort out your own anger problems.
Anger can also be projected
onto each other instead of being owned and
understood. This is particularly the case when parents have
difficulties in their own relationship and the child is made the
scapegoat for the parents' problems, or the child's behaviour stirs up
the parent's anger with each other and they use the situation to attack.
Parents with repressed
anger may also find that their child's smallish
misdemeanor sparks off a volcano within them which escalates out of
proportion to the behaviour.
There are many ways of dealing with anger:
Identify it - what it hides - what it covers
Talk it out with someone you trust
Recognise the hurt and sadness behind it
See it as an energy that can be released
Yell it out, or cry it out, or scream it out,
in a safe situation.
Recognise that it is yours and not your
Child Discipline - Anger Management
Anger Management - A Case History
John and Jane came with their ten year old son, Stephen, to talk about
an anger management programme for him.
After listening to them, I
asked Stephen to tell me what he thought were the reasons for
his rage and angry outbursts.
He greatly surprised his parents by promptly
He then artfully explained that if he got them riled enough they would take their
anger out on each other and he frequently got off free.
Then he told them he actually didn't like that and would feel better if they worked
it out better, both with each other and for him.
After a very interesting discussion, the surprised parents were ashamed to discover that their child would
actually appreciate some strong, firm and secure boundaries as he
informed them that he felt he was too young to know the right answer
all the time!
other piece of advice for his parent was to stop 'going on
about it' and just do it!
Stephen's Own Anger Management Programme
Stephen wrote out his own anger management programme and it looked
Let's talk about it.
Respect each other and me
Talk one at a time
Give me options
Make a decision
After reading this list, John and Jane both learned more about their
behaviour than they did about Stephen's.
Looking at Stephen's list, it's not hard to see that he
experienced his parents arguing over him (mostly in his
hearing), disagreeing and yelling at each other, not listening, and doing nothing
to change the situation.
they are learning to implement positive discipline together.
Child Discipline With Love.com
Permanent child discipline can be achieved only by way of love and by no other means or methods. Selective use of specific discipline techniques serves the purpose if you use them with lots of love. It certainly works where punishment, scolding, spanking, nagging have failed.
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